Story Time

So I started a project about a month and some ago that basically dealt with self-discipline and such. If anyone follows the subreddit 'TheXEffect' you'll know what I mean...but I'm pretty sure no one does.

So here's a link. http://www.reddit.com/r/theXeffect/

Basically you pick something simple that you want to do for 52 days. You do it then after 52 days it's an ingrained habit. One of my things was to 'Write for 15 minutes' and so I've been writing little stories and such for about 42 days. I'll be posting some of them, they're not master pieces just small tidbits of whatever is floating in my mind. Hope you guys enjoy and thanks for reading!

Egg Warehouse

Outside, the sounds of the concrete forest squealed and roared as they bounced off the flimsy metal walls of the warehouse. The doors had been shut for three weeks. In that time the heat and stench of the flesh and juices had begun to suffocate his senses. The skin popped and ripped below him as it retreated back to form human legs as he’d had in a past life. They felt wet and rubbery like they’d just been painted on. Sensation began to slowly fill them as the warm embrace of blood filled them from hips to toe. A constant steady rhythm of the eggs chanted throughout the room and calmed him like a mother’s womb. He stretched his arms back and let out a sigh as the bones he hadn’t used in weeks cracked and popped underneath his muscles. The eggs could feel the movement and began to breathe in deeper shallow breaths as they began to wriggle and shake within themselves. He stepped over his children, tip toing between the sacs and larva that covered every inch of the building. He could feel the floor beneath pulsing with life, a warm sensation reaching out towards him. His eggs would hatch soon. They would spread in every direction and consume everything in their path. The cycle would repeat, over and over again and his seed would be grand and bountiful.

A Black Cadillac

I'm getting back into writing again since I've always wanted to do it consistently. Will be posting anything that I feel is worth reading or at least I enjoyed after finishing it. Hope you guys like!

A Black Cadillac

Don cursed the snow as his foot was sucked down into a mound of brown colored slush. It had been snowing for three days straight and the city wasn’t prepared for this type of all-out weather. Although visibility was low and most of the streets were clogged there were still flocks of taxis out. He flailed his arms in the air as a number of yellow flashes sped by him without a hint at stopping. His face stung as the wind picked up and nipped at his face. He kicked a pile of snow but was rewarded with a pile of ice as pain shot through his leg. He limped back onto the sidewalk and rubbed his hands together just as the squeal of brakes stopped behind him. Don turned around to a black Cadillac that looked like it had just driven out of the factory. The front passenger window rolled down as a glove wrapped hand beckoned Don forward.

“You need a ride?” a deep gargle of a voice asked. Don moved closer but had trouble seeing the driver, the windows were tinted and shadows lapped the driver up in a blanket of darkness.

“You a taxi?” Don asked as another yellow blur blew past them.

“Yup, not your run of the mill but I’m a taxi.”

The car had no markings, a scent of burnt wires and lavender escaped from the interior. Don ripped open the back door and plopped into the back seat.

The seats were covered in dark smooth leather and the tinted windows seemed to eat the sunlight as it hit the car. The driver rolled up the front window but didn’t bother looking back as he began to drive forward.

“I need to get to 217 Hampton Street.”

The driver sat still as the car moved forward.

“You need to buckle up, dangerous without a belt.”

Don sat back and looked for the belt, it was stuck in between the middle seat and his. He pushed his fingers between the cushions and felt something hairy brush against them.

“Whoah!”

The cushion gurgled under him as something hard pushed against his bottom on the seat and moved around.

“Shit! I think there’s something in your seat man!”

Don stood up awkwardly and leaned over the front seat.

“Sit down! Put belt on now!”

Don glared at the driver and gagged as the smell of burnt wires jumped at him.

“There’s something in your seat dude, some kind of animal or something! Stop the car I’m getting out!”

“Can’t stop car. No place to pull over.”

“I don’t fucking care, pull over the car!”

“Put seat belt on! NOW!”

Something brushed against Don’s leg as he jumped and screamed hitting his head on the roof.

“Fuck this!”

He fumbled his hands over the backseat door, had it gotten darker since he got in? He could hardly see what he was touching with only the back of his hand rubbing against the doors leather. There was no crevice, no indent for a handle the door was completely smooth.

“Stop the fucking car!”

Don looked at the driver but no one was in the front seat. He jumped forward into the driver’s seat and grabbed the wheel. It tugged and pulled against his movements, the gas pedal was slowly pushing itself down as the car accelerated. Traffic swerved and screamed as the car began to gain speed. An 18 wheeler emerged from a side street and Don covered his face with his arms and screamed.

The sound of the trucks horn cut out midway. Don could feel his heart slamming inside of his chest as a steady droning silence filled his ears. He slowly opened his eyes but was only greeted with darkness. He prodded in front of him where the windshield was but only felt cold leather. A small pulse pumped where his hand was as he jumped back into the driver’s seat. He shut his eyes and began to whimper as his seat belt slowly glided across his chest and buckled itself. A number of what felt like furry whips caressed Don’s entire body echoing with small chirps. The belt squeezed and pushed down on Don’s chest as the whips grabbed his hands and legs back with what felt like small beaks. A warm wet feeling dripped down his wrists as Don realized it was his blood escaping from where the whips were. He tried to scream as more tiny whips began to rip off his clothing and bite into his chest but another seat belt clicked over his mouth drowning out his screams into its leathery cover.

Michelle was already worried that it was dark out and that she wouldn’t be making Steven’s play tonight. She held her hand up as taxis blew by her in a stream of crushed snow and ice. She hugged herself as a cold wind whipped through the streets and swept the warmth away from her. She stared at the crushed snow beneath her and sighed to herself as a black Cadillac pulled up in front of her. The front window pulled down and a deep gargle of a voice came from the inside.

Trudger Slams - Golden Retriever Cop

Writing Exercise-Synopsis: Story of a dog that can drive cars and has to save his wife that is ----?

Trudger Slams – Call for Murder

Trudger leaped into the car and slammed it into gear as he sped onto the freeway nearly plowing into a minivan. The red jumble of metal honked angrily but faded in the rear view mirror as he pressed down on the accelerator. He was a golden retriever of course, a dog for all occasions and this particular one called for murder.

It had started a week ago when he and his wife Sissy a four year old poodle had visited their favorite restaurant ‘Taco Bell’ for some chicken quesadillas and blue mountain dew. While they were rifling through their Mexican cheese pizzas four burly men drenched in leather jackets and pitch black sunglasses marched in and demanded all the money in the register. Trudger was a cop for ten years, but had recently become a kindergarten teacher because he loved children more than guns. As the men began to pile the bills into a laundry bag Trudger grabbed the Glock 9 Uzi with his teeth from between his legs and began spraying it in their direction. The first few bullets hit two of the men painting the walls with blood as their vapid bodies fell to the floor. The other two jumped on the ground taking out 9mm pistol machines and blasting at Trudger. Sissy jumped on the ground with him for cover and began barking that bark she always did when he got home late from work, she was worried.

Trudger nudged her and pointed with his nose at the exit door. “Bark bark bark!” he screamed as she ran for the door while he shoot back to give her cover. The leather men fired at Sissy blowing out the glass windows and leaving holes in every piece of the wall for future customers to see. Trudger took this opportunity to sneak behind the men and line up his shot. The first leather man saw something in his peripheral vision but would never find out what it was as a haze of lead sheared off his face. The next man realizing his folly began to run but was gunned down a second later, a mist of hazy red blood his last words.

As the sound of gun fired abruptly stopped Trudger heard the screams of everyone around him for the first time. He’d been in so many standoffs like this one he’d blocked out the sound, another distraction from keeping him get the job done…and he’d got it done alright.

Now a week later, plowing through the I-932 Trudger was breaking the speed limit for the love of his life. Apparently the leather men had belonged to a larger group of thugs, and they did not take kindly to having their brethren taken out by a wild animal. He was out of this game, the grime and stench of dead men and dirty women haunted his dreams. Trudger had quit in order to put that life behind him and start a family with Sissy. Their plans were going so well, why’d the world have to come barking…like a dog.

The brown van that had grabbed Sissy swerved and jostled as it leaped in between cars in front of Trudger. The kidnapping had been sloppy and Trudger had been on his way home from work as the van sped out of their driveway. Sissy jumped up on her hind legs and howled a silent howl that Trudger only knew could me “Bark bark! Help me!” The chase had started there and although poorly planned and mushed up from his interference the chase had gone on longer than Trudger had hoped. The back doors of the van blew open revealing Sissy tied and gagged on the floor behind the driver’s seat while two thugs began opening fire at Trudger’s car. He swerved and nearly obliterated a motorcycling Racoon, the mammal shook his tiny baby fists but slammed to a halt when it realized the dog was the least of its worries. Trudger nudged his nose on the dashboard activating a number of 90mm machine guns that popped out of the head lights. “Bark bark…….bark” he said before wagging his tail and activating the machine guns. The first few shots were wide and hit the top of the van. Trudger adjusted his aims by slamming on the brakes just enough to tilt the hood down and then fired.  The guns blew holes in the men so hard that they didn’t realize they were dead till their bodies began to roll on the concrete of the freeway. Cars swerved and horns blared as they tried to avoid the bodies now obstructing their path. Trudger hit the pedal and blew over the bodies, a sweet double line of red tire tracks ran from the bodies as traffic halted behind them.

Trudger punch the brakes again and fired, this time hitting both back tires sending the car into a frenzied spin that made it look like a rabid beagle. His heart stopped as the van suddenly lurched on its side and began to roll…over…and over again. Finally the vehicle stopped rolling, a slumped heap of charred brown metal hissed back at Trudger. He stopped his car and ran full speed with his Glock 9 Uzi in his mouth. Suddenly a moan came from the vehicle as the front door popped open and a man with a bloodied face began to crawl out. Trudger tilted his head and bit on the trigger, the man slumped down and fell as the hot metal burned in Trudgers mouth. He could taste blood now, whenever he fired his weapon like this…mouth first as they used to say in the precinct it would always happen.

His tail hid between his legs as he crawled into the broken backside of the van, smoke obscured the view and he couldn’t hear anything. His nose filled with the scent of burnt wire and metal as he nudged and prodded with his face. Suddenly something soft and furry, it wasn’t breathing but it had to be Sissy. He dropped the gun and grabbed body with his teeth pulling back the dead weight with adrenaline coursing through his veins. A flash of heat suddenly seared his eyes as the engine caught fire and began spreading. His eyes burning and nose clogged Trudger pushed and pulled with all the force he could muster. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, he got the body to a safe distance from the car. A blast rocked him as he fell to the ground. The van had exploded and was melting in front of his eyes. He blinked and shook off the acid smell and looked down to find Sissy beneath him. She didn’t have any obvious cuts or scrapes but something internal could have happened, let alone all the smoke in the van. “Bark Bark! Bark….bark……bark?!” He cried in agony as Sissy’s body lay motionless beneath him. He bent down and touched her face with his nose. The sweet scent of cherry dog treats still clung to her as Trudger fell to his knees and slouched into her cold body. He whimpered and screamed in his mind as the tears rolled of his face onto hers. A wet slash on his face made him wince, then another and another. He opened his eyes and saw Sissy weakly licking his face “Bark bark…….awooooooooo!” Sissy chuckled to herself and nuzzled her face into Trudger’s chest “Bark” she muttered. The two fell asleep as the sound of sirens approached them, they dreamt of endless fields.

The Ferret Outside.

There's a ferret that lives in my backyard that's got two humanoid looking robots that follow him around everywhere he goes. The ferret's got this weird looking king crown with little red plush felt that plops out of the metal king rims and I always giggle and make believe he's got a tomato stuck in there.

Anyhow I usually feed the birds outside and curse and the elderly couple that try to make love next door whenever I'm feeling a bit down. So during the middle of my bird feeding session this god damn ferret comes up to me with his robots and starts scratching at the ground. At first I thought he was gonna dig up some animal bones and try to get me to make em come back to life or something. (For those of you who don't know during my childhood I practiced a small amount of witchcraft but was then banned for continuing as it turned out I wasn't a lady and only ladies can be witches. They said I could be a warlock blah, blah, blah, back to the ferret).

So here I am looking at this ferret, he digs some then looks up, then digs some, then looks up at me. I finally realized that he wanted me to get out of the way. I look at this son of a bitch and bend over so I'm eye level. Keep in mind I'm like six feet tall so this is a pretty big stretch to be honest, I thought my pants my burst in half or something. Our eyes lock, his little beady marble poops are glistening at me,  I show my teeth to display dominance and he follows suit with the same attitude. We start pacing in a circle and the robots back off to give us some sweet fighting room. We kept going around for what felt like a hundred years when he jumps towards my neck, BOOM! Straight down my shirt and I start freaking out punching my chest like some Gorilla in a National Geographic documentary.

I feel him scurrying all around, his little paws digging into my skin with each step and I'm thrashing around like crazy! Finally I clutch my shirt together in the front and manage to grab him. I fall face first on the ground and crush his little ferret body like the bitch he is. Now I start to feel a wetness coming from where I fell, and I'm thinking "Fucking great I gotta go to 'Hot Doug's Cleaning Service' and it's Sunday...they're gonna be closed don't ya know?". So I get ready for the gross mash of dead ferret I'm expecting as I reach into my shirt but instead what I feel is rubber. After the initial shock I pull on the object and it turns out it's just this huge condom just....just filled with peanut butter. So I turn around and I see this fuckin ferret laughing his ass off with his stupid robots just standing there (yes ferrets can laugh, read a ferret book) and he starts falling on the floor making this little 'ump ump' noise (I guess that's what they sound like).

At this point I'm furious, I haven't fed my birds, I haven't screamed at the elderly, and now I have to clean my shirt AND this ferret isn't dead?!

So what am I to do? Well....I've just ordered a 75 ton dump truck in which....when it arrives (I've got amazon prime so it'll be like two days) I'm gonna bury that fuckers house so deep in peanut butter he won't know whether to eat Jelly so he's not stuck in animal purgatory or to just pray to the ferret gods.



That's my story, my names Doug Funny...and Patty Mayonnaise...well...let me tell you...her last name...is a god damn condiment.

God Weapon Mods - If you make them, I'll kill you.

Every once and awhile a fan makes a mod. Every once and awhile multiple fans make mods 'specifically' for me to review. Every once and awhile I view such mods and have to contain the fury from my trembling hands before I slam my fists into my monitor.

It's not that I don't appreciate these mods, it's the blatant fact that they don't seem to realize that they're exactly the mods I would normally tear apart or more likely not review at all because...they don't mod ANYTHING! Do they honestly sit in their rooms and say 'Hey...you know what Al hasn't reviewed in awhile.....a sniper rifle with absolutely nothing different from the original...except my gun will kill everything in a ten mile radius! YEAH! Then his game will crash lolz'

The mod's I've been sent over the past week are just that. They're all simple GECK stat edited 'god weapons' with a bare minimum effort of simply opening the program, changing some numbers, then sending off the mod to my inbox. Now I'm one of the first people that loves when people get into modding, and encourage it whenever I can. But modding for the sole purpose to get your name in one of my videos for some reason just unnecessarily infuriates me.

There are tons of tutorials, people that want to help, and a near limitless amount of ideas that can be created for mods. But 'god weapons' and simple 'Follow Me' companions are at the bottom of the "I'm not even going to crap on this" pile.

TLDR; Stop making fucking shitty mods!

I don't know why I'm so angry about this, maybe it's cause it's late, maybe it's cause I'm a douche, either way I really enjoy commas at the moment apparently, , , , , , Hey! Get back here!






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Where are you going comma?

CHECKING MESSAGES!

So I'm finally taking a 'hey ass face you should do this' stance on checking youtube messages. Needless to say most of them are for pretty lame, already done, old, or simply the most disgusting mods ever. But every once in awhile their is a gem in that pile of love that you all send me and this one was sent to me after a viewer watched 'Rex's Funeral'. Simply from that video you can tell how far behind I am :P

Anyhoo without further adoo here is a fan fiction of by ThePurpleClone, if you're out their fine sir! This was beautiful! :D


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`~`~`~`~`~ Ode To Rex ~`~`~`~`~`

Those danm ninjas. They had surrounded AlChestbreach and crew
(Mister Cuddlesworth, Cass, Rex). They came from everywhere, unholstering their demonic chainsaws with lightning fast reflexes pointing them directly at Rex. Now see, in his
early years, Rex had had some bad experiences with the ninjas, well actually he just pissed on their floor and ran.

The ninjas went full force at Rex, intent on killing him, smacking aside all precautions set by AlChesbreach, that is, disabling Hardcore mode. AlChestbreach had managed to get one of the ninjas as he was hurtling toward Rex, but it was no use. He screamed in horror at the sight off his best friend, maybe his only TRUE friend, being ripped open by the ninja's chainsaw and straghit through his, "Little Baby Heart" (Copyright, AlChesbreach Inc.). AlChescbreach became enraged at this and set aside all reasoning, screaming out, "YOU BASTARDS, YOU KILLED MY ONLY DOG!" He proceeded to murder every last ninja on the road, did I mention it was on a road? Well I meant to say muffins...

After the fighting was done and every ninja was blown... to kingdom come, AlChestbreach weeped over the body of what was his favorite companion. He stated, "Rex, Rex wake up" but it was no use, the pointy sticks of the ninja's were tipped off with blood from a nightstalker, giving them the power to fly...

Day's went by after that battle that AlChestbreach didn't think about his dog, though to him, Rex wasn't just a dog, he was a robot dog, and that meant the world to AlChesbreach.AlChestbreach swore that one day, he would bury his friend.

AlChesbreach went on to other adventures with the remaning party members of his crew. Along the way he recruited many others, robots, gouls, even a Frankenstien kinda thing. But none lived up to the legacy that Rex withheld. AlChestbreach also traveled to many other worlds of different kinds, a low-rez, GTA style world, a even more low-rez but nystalgic world, and even an odd, blocky world where he created homes, ports, and burned down evil villages. It would take years, even decades before he would realize that he would have to go back to the world he hailed from, to bury his long forgotten friend, remembering that he still had a score to settle with the ninjas...

`~`~`~`~`~ To Be Continued (maybe) ~`~`~`~`~`

The cats are out!

So I just let out both my cats, one on the side door, the other the front. They're probably going to brutally beat the shit out of each other but 'out in the wilderness' as I call it....all is fair.

So yeah, working on some 'Billtcm' stuff since I'm off work tomorrow. For those of you that don't know 'Billtcm' is my 'regular'(?) youtube channel, although I will warn you that my face is there....never thought I'd ever type that sentence. But yeah, I've been backlogging so many projects since I started doing let's plays that my friends kind of don't trust me to record anything in 'the real world' now lol. But I'll slowly start chugging through em, they usually come out good to me at least. And to be honest if it makes me laugh than I don't really mind if no one else does.

I have shorts from 2009 that haven't been edited...what the hell is wrong with me...oh yeah...500th subscriber video.

To be perfectly honest I actually had started the 500th sub video way back in those days. I still have the video too, it was going to involve my character building an entire community entitled 'Bitch City' above the Brotherhood of Steels secret bunker. That shit is so ancient Rex and Cass are in the damn thing lol, not even Cuddlesworth was in it! I <3 you Cuddles.

I'll eventually finish it, but first comes Ballarms then Hannukah special....probably in a reverse of that order.

Well it's considerably late and I'm going to go downstairs and let whoever isn't dead back inside. Well, actually I'm going to eat a candy bar and drink iced tea first....but that really doesn't matter whatsoever.

Tell me what you thought of my shitty rambling! :D

-Al