The Ferret Outside.

There's a ferret that lives in my backyard that's got two humanoid looking robots that follow him around everywhere he goes. The ferret's got this weird looking king crown with little red plush felt that plops out of the metal king rims and I always giggle and make believe he's got a tomato stuck in there.

Anyhow I usually feed the birds outside and curse and the elderly couple that try to make love next door whenever I'm feeling a bit down. So during the middle of my bird feeding session this god damn ferret comes up to me with his robots and starts scratching at the ground. At first I thought he was gonna dig up some animal bones and try to get me to make em come back to life or something. (For those of you who don't know during my childhood I practiced a small amount of witchcraft but was then banned for continuing as it turned out I wasn't a lady and only ladies can be witches. They said I could be a warlock blah, blah, blah, back to the ferret).

So here I am looking at this ferret, he digs some then looks up, then digs some, then looks up at me. I finally realized that he wanted me to get out of the way. I look at this son of a bitch and bend over so I'm eye level. Keep in mind I'm like six feet tall so this is a pretty big stretch to be honest, I thought my pants my burst in half or something. Our eyes lock, his little beady marble poops are glistening at me,  I show my teeth to display dominance and he follows suit with the same attitude. We start pacing in a circle and the robots back off to give us some sweet fighting room. We kept going around for what felt like a hundred years when he jumps towards my neck, BOOM! Straight down my shirt and I start freaking out punching my chest like some Gorilla in a National Geographic documentary.

I feel him scurrying all around, his little paws digging into my skin with each step and I'm thrashing around like crazy! Finally I clutch my shirt together in the front and manage to grab him. I fall face first on the ground and crush his little ferret body like the bitch he is. Now I start to feel a wetness coming from where I fell, and I'm thinking "Fucking great I gotta go to 'Hot Doug's Cleaning Service' and it's Sunday...they're gonna be closed don't ya know?". So I get ready for the gross mash of dead ferret I'm expecting as I reach into my shirt but instead what I feel is rubber. After the initial shock I pull on the object and it turns out it's just this huge condom just....just filled with peanut butter. So I turn around and I see this fuckin ferret laughing his ass off with his stupid robots just standing there (yes ferrets can laugh, read a ferret book) and he starts falling on the floor making this little 'ump ump' noise (I guess that's what they sound like).

At this point I'm furious, I haven't fed my birds, I haven't screamed at the elderly, and now I have to clean my shirt AND this ferret isn't dead?!

So what am I to do? Well....I've just ordered a 75 ton dump truck in which....when it arrives (I've got amazon prime so it'll be like two days) I'm gonna bury that fuckers house so deep in peanut butter he won't know whether to eat Jelly so he's not stuck in animal purgatory or to just pray to the ferret gods.



That's my story, my names Doug Funny...and Patty Mayonnaise...well...let me tell you...her last name...is a god damn condiment.